Tales from my Holy Land Pilgrimage

This is being re-blogged from my latest entry for the Pilgrim Center of Hope's The Pilgrim Log

Finding a Home on Mount Tabor

Posted on November 24, 2014 by Nan Balfour

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At the top of Mount Tabor, on the path to the Church of the Transfiguration, there is a canopy of sweet-smelling shady Eucalyptus trees that lead into a lush courtyard garden. Low and high stone walls topped with ornate iron work and cascading vines separate a patchwork of gardens full of a variety of plants and colorful flowers. Statues and garden objects dot the landscape, the most magnificent being the life-size statue of Christ on the cross bending down towards St. Francis, whom He made custodian of His Holy Land.

All my life I have been attracted to gardens. As a child I loved collecting rocks and little statues, and as an adult living in New Orleans, I loved touring the ironwork in the French Quarter. I can spend hours at a plant nursery just looking and dreaming of my perfect garden. The garden of my dreams is always filled with ironwork, statues, and colorful flowers galore, covering the ground, filled to overflowing in pots and cascading down the side of stone walls.

As I walk the grounds at Mount Tabor, kept since the 14th Century by the Franciscan Order, I realize that I am in my dream garden. It is so beautiful and in it is everything I long to place in my garden. This beauty opens my eyes to see that at the very place where the Son of God revealed His Glory to His apostles, He is doing the same for me. Since childhood, God has placed in my heart the love for His created things, anticipating the day that my heart would transcend to the Creator Himself.

For years, I had made no room for God, choosing instead to occupy myself with the glittery but ultimately empty places of the world. For years, now I see, that Jesus has passed through my heart without finding a place to stay. He has been waiting for me to hear His cry from Matthew 8:20, “Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head.”

Overwhelmed at the revelation that God has pursued me all my life, I seek the One who has always loved me. I enter the Church of the Transfiguration, find Jesus in His Real Presence in the Tabernacle, kneel before my Creator and my Love, open the door of my heart, and invite Him in.

A Topic of a Sensitive Nature

This is re-blogged from the Pilgrim Center of Hope, Pilgrim Log blog posted on 6/2/2014. Original post can be found here: The Pilgrim Log blog

What I thought was my biggest weakness has turned out to be the way for me to imitate Mary, the Mother of God, and become the woman God has created me to be.

What is it?   Sensitivity

The dictionary defines sensitivity as:

1. Readily or excessively affected by external influences

2. Having acute mental or emotional sensibility

3. Aware of and responsive to the feelings of others

4. Easily pained, annoyed, etc.

Yep, that’s me.

I never saw this nature of mine as a good thing. My sensitivity would cause a thoughtless remark to crush me.  I could not control the tears and flushed face that sent me fleeing to my room; or if not possible to the very dark corner inside of me. My inflamed emotions would curse me, “Why do you let these remarks cut you to the bone!?” 

My conclusion: There is something seriously wrong with me.

After my ‘encounter with Jesus’ at age 41, I returned to the Catholic faith determined to find my place in His Church. Seeking led me to discover “The Woman’s Pope,” Pope John Paul II, who wrote extensively on the holy vocation of womanhood. He coined the term for women’s nature, the Feminine Genius, and said the attributes of a woman’s nature are generosity, maternity, receptivity and sensitivity.

This was the first time I heard that sensitivity was a good thing.

Pope John Paul II says not only is it part of a woman’s feminine nature, but it is greatly needed to aid in humanizing the world. A woman’s sensitivity takes into account the feelings and needs of the ‘other’ and contributes, along with the other attributes, in valuing the dignity of every human person.

So, then why did my sensitivity cause me such angst?

What I have learned is that it matters whether your sensitivity is ordered or disordered.  A disordered sensitivity is usually rooted in fear and expresses itself in fight or flight (for example: me.)  An ordered sensitivity is rooted in hope and expresses itself in courage.

To see what an ordered sensitivity looks like we have to look no further than our Blessed Mother, the exemplar of the Feminine Genius, at the Wedding Feast in Cana (John 2:1-11.)

Mary, readily affected by external influences (def. #1) caused by the dilemma of no wine in the middle of a party, and aware of the embarrassment it would cause her friend (def. #3) responds by asking her Son to remedy the problem (def.  #2.)  Jesus responds, “Woman, how does your concern affect me? My hour has not yet come.”

Ouch!  That had to cut her to the bone (Def. #4.)

Many have written about this ‘rebuke’ of Jesus to His mother and what we should make of it.

I believe this remark did in fact “cut her to the bone” and I believe Jesus rebuked her on purpose. He wanted to expose the place where His mother was most vulnerable; her sensitive nature and get right in there where either fear or hope takes root. He knew her request would set everything in motion ending their quiet family life together. He knew as Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa, preacher to the papal household wrote, “Once His ministry had started, Jesus would have nowhere to rest his head, and Mary nowhere to rest her heart.” In this tender place where the Cause of her joy was to become the Cause of her sorrow, would she choose to hold on to the Reason for her hope come what may?

We know her choice by her response. Courageously turning towards the ‘other’ she tells the servers, “Do whatever He tells you.”

This made me wonder:  “Were all those times I was crushed by some perceived slight, Jesus asking the same of me?”

I’ve contemplated this through many years of daily rosaries and have made a most wonderful discovery: the Blessed Mother has been working in the garden of my soul preparing it for Jesus. Through the meditation of the mysteries, her stories of Jesus have loosened the weeds of fear, softened the ground with her tears and fertilized it with her intercessory prayer.

A few years ago, after a hurtful episode that I handled very poorly, I fled in shame to my dark interior place of hurt to lick my wounds and suffer alone. In this familiar hurt, I confess, I let doubt grow. Cowering in the dark corner of my mind, I heard Jesus ask, “You do know I can see you, right?”

Ouch, right to the bone!

It hurt, but this time my Mother’s work was bearing fruit and I sensed a deeper question was being asked, “Are you ready for Me to come in?’

Making room for Mary’s Heart to rest His Head, I welcomed the Reason for my hope, come what may.

This is being re-blogged from my latest entry for the Pilgrim Center of Hope's The Pilgrim Log

The Gift of Our Mistakes

Posted on March 10, 2014 by Nan Balfour

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A funny thing happened a couple of weeks ago at the first class I attended for a new Catholic women’s study at my parish.

I walked in and introduced myself to the two women facilitators. “I know who you are,” one of them said, “You spoke at last year’s Catholic Women’s Conference.”  Her eyes got really wide and she stumbled a bit on her words. I could tell that she was a bit ‘star-struck.’ I read her mind, “My first time facilitating and she is going to be in my class!”  I chuckled quietly to myself, “Oh Honey, you have absolutely nothing to be intimidated about.”

It reminded me of the very first faith study I took when I returned to the Catholic Church. In this study were many of the women who represented to me the “perfect Catholic woman.” These were the women I saw dutifully at weekly Mass every Sunday with their children and husbands by their side.  I assumed as a re-vert to Catholicism after twenty years away and married to a non-Catholic, I was far removed from their obvious holiness and faithfulness.

I was so wrong!

It didn’t take long once we began sharing that I witnessed women who had a past like I did, who struggled to be holy as I did and who daily sought to be faithful but many times failed as I did. What a gift I received in that room hearing about their mistakes and their deep love for God and gratitude for his Mercy. As St. Paul says in Romans 3:23, “We all fall short of the grace of God,” yet by sharing our failures and our experiences of God’s mercy, we grow together in holiness and faithfulness.

Before long, these women came down from pedestals I had put them on and into my heart as life-long friends.

By the end of that class a few weeks ago, my facilitator experienced the same. As she spoke of an example of God’s mercy in her life to help me with a struggle I was going through, I noticed her shoulders relax and her fear disappear.  I smiled with the thought, “She just took me off that pedestal.”

I am so glad. Now we can journey as two sisters in Christ growing in holiness together and hopefully becoming life-long friends. What a great gift!

How do we properly love our neighbor when we love ourselves more?

If you are like St. Thérèse of Lisieux, you relish loving God in the challenge of loving those that irritate you. You seek little ways that diminish the self and instead expand God. It works. Many saints are formed along the Little Way but in my opinion, this path takes a strapping, focused and independent soul. Therese called herself weak, but in her Story of a Soul you learn she is anything but; possessing a competitive spirit (even though the contest was against herself) that would win gold medals in any tournament.

These adjectives do not describe Mary Magdalens. We shun challenge. We are clingy, selfish, jealous and lazy but that does not mean we don’t share with St. Thérèse her Vocation to Love. 

We just have to find another ‘way.’

Because He scooped us up from despair, rescuing us from our damaging choices and pathetic selves, we love Jesus with a passionate, extravagant, constant and aching love. We know we cannot do anything without Him and no longer desire to live a life except as close to Him as possible. We need Him every minute of every day and cling to Him no matter what.

Our jealous nature takes many hours learning at Jesus’ feet to travel from knowledge to acceptance that His loving everyone else in no way takes away His intense and unconditional love for us. As we grow in spiritual maturity we discover that in fact, we can increase His Love in us by joining Him in loving others.  Our way is never about denying ourselves. The mere thought makes us shudder. Rather, we allow Jesus to clear everything away so He can fill us to the brim.

Jesus draws all those around us without ever turning His gaze from us. 

He makes it easy to choose to love our neighbor because Jesus loves our neighbor and we love what He loves.  We bring souls as gifts to Him so that He will be happy and that makes us happy. We can reassure ourselves that, “Yes, I know it is no longer about me, but His never ending mercy and kindness is for me so I no longer mind that others are included.”

And though it will always pull at us just a little to hear another speak of their intense love for Jesus secretly boasting to ourselves, “No one can love Him as much as I do,” we realize their testimony is bringing a smile to His Face and so we affirm, support and encourage secure in His all-consuming love for us. 

In the midst of Fiesta wreaths going up in my San Antonio neighborhood, today I proudly hung our Mardi Gras wreath for the benefit of no one else but my husband, two sons and me.

Prompted by the sight of the wreath each time we come through the door, I notice we all start humming Carnival tunes excitedly anticipating our visit this year.  The wreath also reminded me of a blog I wrote last February for the Pilgrim Log and am posting here. . . .

. . . . New Orleans, here we come!

Soul Searching at Mardi Gras

Posted on February 4, 2013 by Nan Balfour

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My family loves Mardi Gras parades. My husband, two sons and I return often to our hometown New Orleans so we can join this annual party. If you’ve never experienced a Mardi Gras parade, let me tell you it’s quite an interactive event. As floats roll through the streets, throngs of people line the route yelling, jumping and waving their hands in the hope of getting the “throws” that are tossed or more often hurled at the crowd by the masked riders. These “throws” are traditionally plastic bead necklaces, plastic cups, stuffed animals, plastic swords, and wooden spears; in other words, pretty worthless junk. I am not a fan of crowds so I prefer to stand back while most, including my family, push their way up screaming, “Throw me something, Mister!” It’s very entertaining to watch all the ways people try to get the attention of the riders and what lengths they will go to get this junk.

“Miss Louisiana” by thepipe26

One year, an interesting revelation came to me when I noticed what often happens after the victor gains his spoil. Without even a backwards glance, the throw is tossed in a pile and forgotten. I realize that it’s not the throws but getting them that is the fun. The whole value of a throw then is the few brief seconds from when it is spotted in the rider’s hands until it makes into the victor’s grasp. After that, it reverts to junk and will soon be stuffed into a box and stowed in the attic or garage until an industrious spring cleaning day relegates it to the curb.

…which is just how Satan views our souls.

Satan will try any antic to get our attention and like a Mardi Gras throw, once he wins our souls we are tossed away never to be thought of again; left to the boxed confines of our sins. Because you see, the devil has no desire to spend eternity with us; he only wants to get us so he can make sure God does not. He hates God; we are simply a means to an end.

The good news is that the devil is not the only searcher of souls. Our Lord is there as He always is, waiting for us. But unlike that pile of beads that ends up in the trash bin, garages or storage sheds in New Orleans, He has wonderful plans for you and me. . .

I know well the plans I have in mind for you; plans for your welfare and not for woe. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Why then, if our Lord desires such great plans for us, do we more often feel as worthless as those discarded pair of plastic Mardi Gras beads?

“Christ Embracing St. Bernard” by Francisco Ribalta (16th-17th century)

I received the answer to that question over ten years ago when my choices had brought me to my knees lost, alone and weary from battling the grasps of darkness. My Lord came to me, picked me up, put His arms around me and loved me out of my debilitating depression. He promised I would never feel alone again as He gently led me back to His Church and my Catholic faith.

In my return to the faith of my youth that I so ignorantly dismissed as archaic and unnecessary for my happiness, I discovered that God does not want to get us, but rather He wants to be with us now and forever in the complete and continuous exercise of our free will. We cannot be passive and expect to find the joy we so desire. God wants us to want to be with Him and joins us in discovering our happiness through Church teachings, His word in Scripture, through the Sacraments and most significantly by joining our suffering with His in the Eucharistic Celebration of Mass.

God does not view our souls like cheap plastic beads to be tossed at the mercy of the rider, but rather active participants in His wonderful plans for our happiness. We have a choice in whose hands we land.

The devil could not care less whether we cooperate with him or not. Since the beginning he has lied and tricked to get his way like when he told Eve, “You certainly will not die! God knows well that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods, who know good and evil,” (Genesis 3:4-5) but failing to mention that along with the knowledge of evil will also be the desire for evil and the consequences to pay. He flat out lied when he told her you will not die. He will make any effort to grasp our souls and keep them away from God and His wonderful plans for us.

My Catholic faith has taught me that I am not to find happiness on my own and there are two good reasons why. Firstly, no matter how intelligent, educated, willing or brave any of us may be, we are no match for the cunning and sinister ways of the devil.

Secondly and so very wonderfully, that is not God’s plan for us. We need our God with us just as He has wonderfully planned, “And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)

I look toward the floats and imagine the people clamoring for God rather than throws. I see our Lord reach down and pull people up into His arms calling each by name. He searches the crowd and when our eyes meet, He holds out His arms for me.

I run to join the party.

A fruit of the Constant Woman

You know you are progressing in holiness when the attractions of the world no longer entice you. It is a slow progression because our Lord never jolts or demands but with gentle care and concern holds out His hand for us to take.

With just a few steps in His direction, we discover riches we never imagined and we are hooked. No longer do silly television shows, gossipy magazines and shallow books catch our eyes. We don’t even notice them.

You will know you possess this fruit when you sit in the hair salon and the magazines that were once your guilty pleasure sit idle and undesired while you hungrily indulge in Jesus’ love for you found in the current book you carry around with you everywhere. You now relish the moments in line waiting to check-out at the grocery or post office or sitting in the doctor’s office, moments you once dreaded and that oh so irritated you, because now you can be with Him; your heart's only desire.

From Psalm 84

My soul yearns and pines

for the courts of the LORD.

My heart and flesh cry out

for the living God. (3)

Blessed are those who dwell in your house!

They never cease to praise you. (5)

I had rather one day in your courts

than a thousand elsewhere.

I’d rather lie at the threshold of the house of my God 

than a home in the tents of the wicked. (11)

How to Keep Your New Year's Resolution

This is being re-blogged from the Pilgrim Center of Hope: The Pilgrim Log: Helping You Live Your Daily Pilgrimage

With every new year comes the determination to improve ourselves. We want to be fit physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Hope springs eternal as they say but if we are honest with ourselves we have to ask, “I am the same me in January that I was in December, what will be different by just turning the calendar page?”  This honesty has inspired me over the last few years to just not bother with resolutions. Progress is necessary for our sanctification though, so this is not healthy either.

St. Catherine of Siena teaches that to progress we have to know ourselves and thanks to a request from my mother, I have discovered the sure-fire way to not only know myself but to progress in all areas of my life. My mom is getting to the point she no longer wants to drive. She asked me to take her on her regular Wednesday errands and one of them is her hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament in the St. Gregory Catholic Church Adoration Chapel.

I decided during this hour to take advantage of a technique I heard once by a priest.  He said when we visit the Blessed Sacrament in Adoration we should humbly present ourselves to Him. He recommended no prayer books, spiritual reading or devotions. The way he said it was, “I sit before Jesus and I simply look at Him as He looks at me.”

The fruit of my visits with Jesus have been nothing less than astounding! All my long-held desires to improve have shown positive results:

• My stress level is lower and I enjoy much calmer and peaceful days.
• My distorted passions for food and drink have tempered.
• My tendency to extremes (i.e. too much exercise or none at all)  have moderated.
• Priorities have been put in proper order and projects completed within deadline.
• My life-long issue with arriving late is being remedied.
• I am enjoying increased understanding and clarity in what I read.
• I experience more confidence in my relations with others and in my abilities.

So how does this act of Adoration help me to grow in self- knowledge and make improvements.in my life?

I am sure there is some deep theological explanation for these profound consequences, but the best way I can explain what happens is that the One who created me, explains me to me and I grow in self-knowledge.

Progress happens because in offering my presence to His Presence, I am giving Jesus what He thirsts for  . . . . me, and because He cannot be outdone in generosity, He returns my small act of self-giving by fixing all that in me needs fixing.

If would like to take advantage of this guaranteed way to a better you but do not know where an Adoration Chapel is, then visit the website: http://therealpresence.org/ for a listing of churches and chapels that have Eucharistic Adoration.